My New Memories

D is for Duck Pond

2007-08-09T19:45:00.001-06:00

Cliff's last full day here, we took the kids to the duck pond before we dropped them off and he said good bye! I'm in a funk today and don't feel like writing much, so I thought I'd share pics of a happy day! And yes, I'm fully aware I'm waaaaaaay behind, I'll catch up eventually!

C is for Christ

2007-08-07T08:48:00.000-06:00

I was baptized when I was 9 years old...I remember it vividly. It was at Greenfield Acres Baptist Church in Odessa, Texas. It was my great-grandmothers church. She was (and still is) singlehandedly the biggest Christian influence in my life. She is now 87 years old and I adore her on the same level that I adore my own mother on. To this day I can walk into that church (where she still plays the organ) and she will get up and speak of my days in that church as a child. She will tell the entire congregation (all maybe 50 of them, most of whom I know) about how I used to take my Cabbage Patch doll (Jennifer) to church with me and sit in the front pew and never say a word. This used to embarrass me, now it touches my heart deeply!

As an adult, I have certainly gone through ups and downs in my relationship with God. A few years ago I started going to church with my mother. This was a HUGE deal to me because my mother never went to church. In Odessa and again after moving to Oklahoma as a child I always went to church with my sister and cousins. Faith was a big part of who I was even as a child. Saying that, it still always has been, no matter what I've been doing or where I've been in my life, prayer and faith are sometimes the only thing that can comfort me and bring me great amounts of peace.

When Cliff left I had found a good spot for me if that makes sense. I would get up earlier than the kids, come in the living room read the Bible and have prayer time. After awhile though, I began having anxiety issues and not sleeping well and my time in the morning where I could sleep later seemed more important. I always pray but I don't live my life ideally or even have any more than a few minutes a day focusing on God. Sometimes I still feel like because I have girls night out a couple times a month I'm not worthy. My grandmother snapped me out of that really quick when she made a comment about she knows someone else who can enjoy the wine a little too much....clearly she was speaking of herself. Totally made me giggle, to picutre my 87 year old grandmother drunk off wine!!

I've been giving my relationship with God a LOT of thought lately. Last night I rolled over to go to sleep with Braden behind me and he said to me "Mama, let's not forget my prayers." Funny how the faith of a five year old boy can open his mother's eyes like that. I helped him find his faith...now he's helping me get back to mine:)

As I start my BFL challenge today I'm also challenging myself spiritually to gain back the strength in my relationship with God. I haven't been going to church since my mom's surgery, so I didn't have to go alone. This Sunday the kids and I will go for sure....as I sit here I am thinking to myself I am NEVER alone!! That thought alone brings me great comfort!

B is for Body for Life

2007-08-06T21:15:00.001-06:00

SO nevermind the fact that I am already several days behind on my alphabet posts! Thank goodness there are more than 26 days in a month:)

Emily has inspired me to start a new program called Body For Life. I don't have the book yet but I have winged it off their website and I went shopping for some of the things I need tonight. I'm excited to get started tomorrow!!

A is for Andrea...the asset!

2007-08-01T21:24:00.001-06:00

I was going to write about appreciation or animals but in talking to my good friend Andrea she seems to think I should write about her saying something to the affect of, "what do you mean you can't think of an a word...hello ANDREA." Even though she's not doing this alphabet project, she promises to write a blog about me on the 17th of August since M is the 17th letter of the alphabet. We'll see if she really does it and if she does it should be interesting ;)

I met Andrea somewhere around three years ago on babycenter.com! She and I and a few other mommies formed a group called threadkillers...hmm maybe there's my T? I won't get into all of that, but I stayed friends with this small group of ladies after my babycenter days were over and before I was invited to another mommy board some of them are a part of. She and those other women became my best friends during some crazy parts of my life.

I didn't get to meet Andrea in person until March of this year. She and Piper came to pick me and the kids up from LAX. I wondered how it would feel to finally meet them, but when the moment came it was as if we'd known eachother forever. It's amazing what the internet can bring about! So that's how I know her.....

Andrea and I are a lot alike. We talk on IM everyday we are way too much alike somedays. We both can turn a small life problem into a huge ordeal, and even worse is the fact that neither of us make decisions easily! It is extremely rare that we say goodbye to eachother on the computer, we'll IM eachother throughout the day and both just leave the conversation when we're ready and usually come back a few hours later.

I can tell Andrea anything and though she will ask me tons o questions LOL she will NEVER judge me! If I need to cry, she will be the person who I can go to who will sympathize with me, she'll tell me why that part of my life is negative and why I don't need it, she'll get mad and sad for me and try to help me fix it even when I'm too stubborn to listen sometimes!

Andrea is simply one of the most wonderful people I have ever been blessed to meet! She is so full of life and love and fun. She adores her son. She has her husband majorly in check (haha). She has the cutest voice! She is always on my mind and in my prayers. It makes me mad that she's been so hurt lately.

In my adulthood, she has been one of the people who has most opened my eyes to the meanings and values of TRUE friendship. A couple of years ago I would've said I had tons of friends! Becoming friends with Andrea helped me change my opinion of that. She helped me learn a true friend wouldn't just call me when they needed something, but they'd let me call them and they'd listen to me. She truly loves me for me, I can be as goofy as I want, as obnoxious as I want and she will STILL love me at the end of it. That is more meaningful to me then she will ever know! I have made a lifelong friend in Andrea. I love and respect her for more reasons than she will ever know! Thanks Andrea the asset....for EVERYTHING!

You find out who your friends are

Somebody's gonna drop everything

Run out and crank up their car

Hit the gas, get there fast

Never stop to think 'what's in it for me?'

or 'it's way too far

'They just show on up with their big old heart

You find out who your friends are

Joining Mary Ann

2007-08-01T20:50:00.000-06:00

Mary Ann has introduced me via babyboard to this blog! I will be joining Mary Ann and lots of others in writing a post each day from today August 1st through August 26th each day using a letter of the alphabet...in order of course...so today I'll start with A is for and on the 26th it will be Z is for....make sense?

Rockin' Mama Blogger Award!

2007-07-28T18:34:00.000-06:00

My sweet mommy friend Amanda thinks I am worthy of this >>>>>

I'm not sure I actually am but I feel honored anyway. Amanda is a wonderful woman and a great mother to her three gorgeous kiddos, Josh, Gillian, and Reagan. She has a very inspiring faith in God and I love her extra because our political views are almost just alike! Thanks Amanda for picking me and for keeping Cliff in your prayers!

It's gonna be tough picking ladies who haven't already been picked because while I have a small circle of blog friends like Andrea all the ladies in that small circle rock and have mostly been chosen for the award already. So forgive me if I pick someone for a second time!

First on my list is Devon! Devon is one of the funniest women I know, this girl can find humor in anything and can always make people laugh! She is a terrific mother and awesome sister to her brother that is fighting cancer.

Second is Kulia. Kulia has become a very dear and helpful friend to me during Cliff's deployment. She always has words of wisdom to offer as she is a navy wife. I respect many things about her including the love she has for sweet Maya, her healthy lifestyle, and her passion about politics, as well as the way she writes!

Third is Mary Ann. She is a wonderful mommy to one year old Sam and is pregnant with her second son! That in itself is very admirable! She is also an extremely sweet person and you can tell with every word she writes that she loves her family and her life!

Fourth is Helen, yes even though she's taking the rest of the summer off from blogging. Helen is a busy mom of three beautiful girls. She always has awesome recipes and seems to keep her household organized and in tip top shape!

Fifth is Laura. Like Amanda Laura has an awesome and inspiring faith in God. She teaches that to her sweet daughter Maya. She is also pregnant with a baby boy. She is an all around sweetheart and a wonderful person!

Where have I been?

2007-07-27T22:35:00.000-06:00

My lack of posting, comes not from having nothing to say, but from having so much to say that I don't know where to begin. My last month has been a roller coaster of emotional highs and lows. There was that pre-Cliff coming home period where I was stressed and bitchy beyond belief and then there was that nearly two weeks of heaven when he came home and I realized my husband didn't love me any less and didn't act any different....unless you count the fact that I know we fell more in love while he was home! Then there was his leaving which was much worse than I thought and then the re-healing.

Now my dear sweet mother whom I could talk forever about had a major surgery this past Wednesday and it has been harder than I could ever put into words to watch her in her current state. My 6 year old brother is practically living with me now which adds a wee bit more stress to my plate, but my main focus for now is my family and trying to take the role of my mother and keep us all happy and sane.

I haven't blogged mostly because when I do find the time I think where do I start? I should post in order...I can't post about my mom's surgery and then about Cliff's leave and things in between here and there because that's not chronololgically correct....BUT if you know me you know I RARELY do things in an organized manner! So, I'm saying to hell with that, I'll post whatever I want whenever I want, it is afterall MY blog ;) Who knows what I'll post next!?

Tagged!!!

2007-06-22T20:41:00.000-06:00

Maryann tagged me for a fun game!!

ON THIS DAY - Go to Wikipedia and type in your birthday (only the month and day). Choose and write down 3 events, 2 births and 1 holiday. Then tag 5 friends.

*Events
1956 - During a Carl Perkins recording session also involving Jerry Lee Lewis and Johnny Cash at Sun Records in Memphis, Tennessee, Elvis Presley visits the studio and jams with Perkins and Lewis extensively with the tape recorders rolling. (Cash reportedly participates briefly in the jam before leaving the studio with his wife and daughter.) The four men become known as the Million Dollar Quartet, and the complete tape from this legendary session is eventually released on compact disc (CD) in 1987.

1980 - The rock group Led Zeppelin formally announces its breakup.

2001 - Lisa Beamer, wife of Todd Beamer, through the Todd M. Beamer Foundation, registers [1] the trademark "Let's Roll" with the United States Patent and Trademark Office less than three months after his death in the September 11, 2001 terrorist attacks in the United States.

*Births
1969 - Jay-Z (Shawn Carter), American rapper

1973 - Tyra Banks, American supermodel

*Holiday
Calendar of Saints - Saint John of Damascus: optional memorial; also the Great Martyr Saint Barbara

I am now going to tag Nichole, Piper, Andrea, Lori, and Kulia.

Happily Waiting

2007-06-21T07:27:00.000-06:00

For the past several days I have woken up with my mind just racing, stomach full of butterflies, and a smile plastered across my face! I have only 1 week and 5 days until my husband is home. I am spending most every spare second making sure things are in perfect order for his arrival. I just CAN NOT wait!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Pre-K Graduation Class of 2007

2007-05-31T20:30:00.000-06:00

Braden kissing his baby sister Ella

Braden and his step-sister Madison

Braden and his paternal grandma (Nana Jo)

Isn't he CUTE?

Blake and Braden pre-graduation!!Braden walking onto the stage!
Class of 2007!!
Mommy and Braden

I'll be taking some more photos of Braden and Kayla together tomorrow, she was too tired tonight to even think of cooperating!

Words cannot express the warmth and sadness I feel as my little man graduates from pre-k. I'm in disbelief that he is actually starting kindergarten next year. Along with my sadness however, is an amazing sense of pride at how smart Braden is and what a wonderful, well-mannered, and caring boy he is!! I am SO lucky to be his mom! I am going to go lay down with him and snuggle him closely tonight!

Tagged

2007-05-30T17:30:00.001-06:00

Yikes Andrea tagged me on May 15th and I just now saw it LOL.

I'm supposed to list ten things that make me warm and fuzzy!! Hmmm.....

1. Cuddles from my kids
2. The thought of Cliff coming home
3. Being a t-ball mom
4. Watching Kayla dance
5. Flowers
6. Chocolate
7. Alcohol
8. Photos of my children as babies.
9. The American Flag
10. Vacations

The 8 year mark

2007-05-30T08:33:00.000-06:00

May 19th, 2007 marked EIGHT years since I graduated high school. I am of course in complete shock and denial that it's been that long. To add to my being emotional about this is the fact that they tore down my high school and built a new one behind it....how sad is that :( I have so many wonderful (and not so wonderful) memories in that place, it was my home for four years, I truly loved that place. To drive by it and see the wreckage there right now is awfully heartbreaking.

This has all gotten me thinking about life and how I founded so many dreams at that school and during that time. Which brings me to the point....isn't it funny how most of our lives don't work out the way we think they will?? I entered my first marriage almost exactly 7 months to the day after I graduated. I thought I was so ready for that and because of past experiences considered myself "grown up." 8 years later, I'm on my second marriage just passing the one year mark and at the age of 26 still not feeling completely grown up and still not knowing exactly who I am, attending college and learning and growing all the time while trying to help my children learn and grow and at the same time be a rock to my husband.

I used to be terrified of turning 30 (still 3 1/2 years away), now I'm looking forward to it and hoping that by the time I get there I'll know more about me and have discovered more of myself and have more of an idea of what God's plan is for me on this earth...you know besides raising babies and being a strong wife to my hero husband. Sometimes life seems so uncertain, but as funny as it sounds just writing this has made me realize how perfectly perfect my crazy life is!

A little break down

2007-05-22T22:56:00.000-06:00

I go along from day to day most of the time not even feeling like myself or even wondering..."who am I?" I throw myself into everything I can so that I don't have to sit down and think and be reminded and feel.

But then there are nights like tonight when I sit here all alone listening to music...of course drawn to the songs that remind me of my husband and then all of a sudden weeks worth of emotions flood over me and the pain has such a hold on me that I'm unable to shut it off or to just walk away from it and I just have to break down. I miss him so much....so so so so much. It's laying in bed at night with his t-shirt wishing he were in it, wishing for just one more small kiss, laying in bed when everything is still and trying like hell to remember the exact color of his eyes and the way they sparkle in the light and the way they stare into mine reaching the very depths of my soul, the warmth of his hug, the touch of his skin, the sound of his voice and hoping that I can always remember everything about who he is just in case.....and then there are the selfish things like wishing to feel like a normal wife again...you know the married kind whose husbands are home to share the responsibilities of his family instead of the responsibilities of his country, praying and praying so hard that he makes it home, praying and praying so hard that he can withstand the emotions of the horrid things he's seen during our time apart, hoping that I am still the person he fell in love with when he comes home....I could go on forever but I'll spare anyone reading this LOL.

I do know my husband is brave, I am SO much more proud of him than he could ever know in a million years...sometimes it's just hard...this is my current think of Cliff song....
Come Home Soon by SheDaisy
I put away the groceries
And I take my daily bread
I dream of your arms around me
As I tuck the kids in bed
I don't know what you're doin'
And I don't know where you are
But I look up at that great big sky
And I hope you're wishin' on that same bright star
I wonder, I pray
[Chorus:]And I sleep alone
I cry alone
And it's so hard livin' here on my own
So please, come home soon(Come home soon)
I know that we're togetherEven though we're far apart
And I'll wear our lucky penny 'round my neck
Pressed to my heart
I wonder, I pray[Chorus:]
And I sleep alone
I cry aloneAnd it's so hard livin' here on my own
So please, come home soon(Come home soon)
[Bridge:]I still imagine your touch
It's beautiful missing something that much
But sometimes love needs a fighting chance
So I'll wait my turn until it's our turn to dance
I wonder, I pray
[Second Chorus:]I sleep aloneI cry alone
Without you this house is not a home
So please, come home soon
[Third Chorus:]I walk alone
I try aloneI'll wait for you, don't want to die alone
So please, come home soon
Come home soon
Come home soon

Drunk Musings

2007-02-18T02:59:00.000-06:00

First of all I should not have gone out but I NEEDED to go out.

Second of all I love drunk Susan:)

Third and most importantly. My husband is away for a LOOONG time, there is nothing in the world that is more REAL than that. My silly friends and their ridiculous drama don't mean crap to me, I said that to them and one in particular doesn't get it. Silly fights are so behind the point that I am at. I am not in high school anymore, I haven't been in more years than I care to count. Why can't people see what's REALLY important in life? Seriously, my husband could NOT come home to me, the one true love of my life, and they're worried about ex-boyfriends and he said she said shit. I just don't seem to care......

Cliff and Valentines Day

2007-02-14T23:25:00.000-06:00

I wanted to update this so I don't sound like a huge baby anymore, though yes I do feel entitled at times.....

Cliff walked two miles with his laptop yesterday all to IM me. I was ecstatic when I was sitting here so sad and an IM from him popped up on my screen. God I miss him. We chatted for awhile and it was sooo nice. He said that they're trying really hard to get internet where they're at but AAFES is giving them a hard time about it so who knows. I am okay now knowing that he's okay. We have such a connection and I know that sounds strange to people who don't have it, or haven't yet experienced it but I could seriously feel the effect on him. That made it a million times worse to feel how much pain it was for him. I can't imagine even as much as I enjoy our communication how vital it must be for a man in war when there isn't anyone else to talk to.

So I'm better now because I know he's okay.

So on to Valentines Day and more about my spectacular husband and kids.....
The day before yesterday I got two packages. One is BEAUTIFUL butterfly jewelry that Cliff bought and sent to me from Iraq along with an AF bear that folds up like a Popple and a sweet card. I also had one from a friend full of my favorite goodies:) I sat there and ate the chocolate she sent me and cried in the floor giving myself a short pity party. I miss him dammit and it makes me bitter sometimes.

So, I got a call from him this morning. PERFECT timing. I had just crawled out of bed and mosied sleepily into the living room when the phone rang. My heart raced, I knew it was him! I got to carry on a full conversation with him. I got to hear his voice and my gosh it was so soothing and I felt really normal for a minute. It was completely awesome!! My sweet boy Braden came home from school with a handmade Valentine, it is the sweetest thing ever. On the front it says I love you Mommy and on the inside he wrote his scribbly, pre-k name and drew a picture of a little girl with pony tails. He's growing up too fast and those are TRULY the moments that make being a mommy the most rewarding thing in the universe. Speaking of mommy, that was my Valentine from Kayla her being particularly whiney and sad today and she no longer calls me mama, it's mommy. It touches my heart and soul everytime she says it. Anyhow, my mom had also taken Braden shopping and he came home with daisies and Dove Promises for me. It was a good day!! It reminded me of all the things I have to be thankful for when it seems so hard for me to remember some days especially lately.

Another test...

2007-02-11T20:11:00.000-06:00

I wish I wasn't so hurt. I wish I was over the shock of the things a military wife with a deployed husband must endure, but I'm not. Today we've been given a new test which is certainly proof I'm still open to the pain of it all.

I haven't been able to talk about this because it sickens me, I finally told my mom today and that's it. I've known since last week sometime. I haven't even told Cliff's own family, I'm avoiding it, I don't want it to be real. I in a complete state of denial.

Cliff has been moved. He is still in that godforsaken place but instead of being in that godforsaken place with the amenities he had before ie. internet....he has nothing. He and the team he is with worked SO hard to build that POS building up to make it liveable. The building was given to them in the worst condition. No people this isn't a war thing this is a my husband is deployed with another branch who hates the air force thing. It's sad!! It is HEARTBREAKING to see our own hero's treated like shit because the branch I will not name doesn't think they needed the aid of the Air Force....clearly higher ranking officals disagreed!

Anyhow back to my point. My husband and his team spent a lot of time and their own money out of OUR pockets (our being A.F. families) building this place up and making it decent. They bought things, they built furniture, put up walls, painted. They worked their asses off and NOW a new team from the other branch comes in and the Air Force gets booted.

I know I'm whining but I don't give a shit. I know people live like this and have for years but when you're used to having internet and the capability to talk and communicate regularly and be given regular peace of mind that the love of your life is still alive and well and then that too is lost it gives the heart little room for hope. IT HURTS. I hurt, I'm crying now about it for the first time because today when I came home and there was no message from him on my screen it finally hit that it was true and the thing we hoped wouldn't happen did. I have no clue when I get to talk to my husband again. That's hard to swallow.

I will continue to pray for him of course and also that this is temporary or that God gives me more strength than I feel right now. I know it could be worse, I don't want to hear any of that right now, I just want to be sad or for it to all be over. I'm entitled to feel this way and I dare someone to make one of their regular smartass comments telling me otherwise....

My Sick birthday boy

2007-02-10T08:36:00.000-06:00

There is my sick boy on birthday number 5 (2/4/07). So sick that he didn't care about postponing a buildabear trip. He did get his ice cream cake though. Clearly I'm slacking on posting pics in chronological order but if you know me well, you know I'm a fan of better late than never. I think it's good to post pics on days that you don't have time to post much else, even if there are a zillion things you have to talk about. Maybe later!?

Dance baby dance....

2007-02-08T19:45:00.000-06:00

Kayla had her first night of dance class tonight. She was shy at first and spent most of the night sitting in my lap sucking her thumb but eventually she got a little more courage and rolled around on the floor. She also began to do the movements in my lap. Once she even ran over to her teacher "Sunshine" and reached for her to pick her up and then danced in her arms for a moment. She hasn't stopped spinning since we got home. I got invited to join a mommy class and am heavily considering it, as it is one of my most missed memories.

Nada Really

2007-02-06T21:58:00.000-06:00

Maybe I should change my blog name to randomness and time passing...???

I have a million thoughts a day, by the end I don't remember the majority and the rest really aren't worth writing about most of the time. At the request of a friend (Piper) I'll do it anyhow in my "free time" haha:)

I'm tired right now, tired of people, tired of school, tired of the heartache that comes with missing my husband. He got to call once last week; just my luck I left the phone off the hook all night so the battery died as soon as he said hello. I cried. I cried for two reasons; the first being that I didn't get to talk to him, the second was because of how the sound of his voice made me feel, how it plunged straight to my head and my heart pulling out so many emotions. Amazing what a voice can do. It hurt yet comforted me at the same time.

So back to the being tired of people. Ever feel like people just don't give a damn? I do. I can deal with this response from strangers but not from my own family and friends. It's like they're all so inadvertently clueless or maybe it's that they don't want to risk seeing the raw emotion that consumes me sometimes. Either way it hurts. Seems simple to me like the proverbial "Love your neighbor as you love yourself." I don't get how they can coldy turn their backs to me when I need them the most and then wonder why I seem "aggravated" at them. Seriously? Yep!

I'm taking an environmental science class which is really interesting but I am so unmotivated about school right now. Too many other obligations going on in my life right now ie: being the mother of children ages 5 and 2! I can't even have five minutes of peace to myself lately. Sleeping is the main issue. It's 10 after 10 and they are both screaming in protest to sleeping in their own beds. Braden was fine with it last week as long as Zoey was in the room with him but this week the poor dog is refusing to be his sleep aid and has returned to her old habit of snoozing in front of the back door. Braden's crying over this woke Kayla up so I let her up and put her in bed with him. After 3 trips of laying them both back down I gave up and let my frustrations take over. I was mad and mean and I put them both back in their beds and basically said scream your lungs out but don't you dare get out of those beds. I simply can't deal with not having a moment alone to do school work or anything alone for that matter.

Right now I feel completely mean and frustrated. I yelled and I yelled a lot. I hate that I have to fight with them over this but sometimes I feel as though neither one of them respect a single action I take in my parenting them....yes even Kayla at the age of two. Sigh....that's it for now, I don't want to "talk" about it anymore.

My week in a nutshell

2006-12-09T20:53:00.000-06:00

SOOO I have had one of the most insane weeks of my life.

I'll start with my birthday party. Actually, maybe a little before. I have not really been myself since my husband left. It's so damn depressing sometimes and the worry and the fears can truly take over me. Anyhow, I guess everyone else realized this also and some of my friends made this one of the happiest birthdays of my life.

Saturday (the 2nd) was kind of a blur even before drinks:) I woke up that morning and did a bit of nothing that morning. I checked the mail around noon and sitting on my porch were some of the tastiest brownies ever from my sweet friends in Arizona and Cali. My sister then shows up with flowers and a card that Cliff had her get and bring to me. Gorgeous roses of every color! Anyhow, so we left for Choctaw to go get our hair done. After that we went to Starbucks and had delicous peppermint mocha frappucino's and went and had pedicures. I should also mention the cutest shirt ever that my sister had to do secret spy missions to get for me earlier in the week just because I HAD to have it for my b-day. Anyhow so by the time I got home, all I needed to get ready was to put on my clothes and jewelry and do my makeup.

My mom, sis, Miranda, Nicole, and Kina met me here at my house. Miranda got me a giftset with six different kinds of Victoria Secret perfume and some stuff from Bath and Body Works, Nicole got me a gift card, and then my mom gave me cash. Nicole also bought me dinner and drinks later in the evening. SOOO I'm sitting around like okay when are we gonna go when someone says they're ready and we go outside. I walk outside and see a limo that they have hired to drive us around for the night. HOW AWESOME AND SWEET WAS THAT!? We went to Chili's to eat and then to Hudson's for drinks. While we were there our limo driver (who was one of the sweetest men in the world) leaves and goes somewhere to buy me a birthday tiara:) It was fitting because I truly felt like a princess.

Afterwards, we went to my favorite bar where I probably spent five bucks the entire . I guess a flashing birthday tiara sends off a "buy me a drink" kinda message and that's what everyone did. I saw a lot of people there that I don't normally see and some that I haven't seen in years. It was a nice treat. The only thing that would've made it better was for my husband to be there with me. The first song that was played when after I walked in was our song which is pretty rare to hear so that was my little sign from God and from him.

My point in all of this is look how blessed I am!!! I have the best family and friends and internet friends a girl could ask for!! I also last week received a scrapbook in the mail from Kulia another Jan05 mommy and friend off my babyboard. It had the sweetest letter in it from her daughter Maya to my sweet Kayla. She said someone from that board would send me something to put in it once in awhile. I got my first thing today and it was a card from another military mama named Grace. They are all so good to me. I don't deserve any of it. I am not that great of a friend to any of them though I try my hardest. I am not a princess but I sure felt like I was that night. I used to think that few people cared but over the past year and especially last couple of months my eyes have really been opened and I think I am one of the luckiest most blessed people I know.

I was going to write about my grandfather's death and funeral. But I am flooded now with happy memories so I will wait until tomorrow for that.

My husband rocks!

2006-11-10T06:38:00.000-06:00

So here I was still in this hotel room, feeling better after seeing how much support I really do have and over the worst feeling when my husband calls. He convinced me to go get dinner and come back and take a bubble bath. I feel bad and selfish for telling him how upset I really was because I know it upsets him. I did as he asked and when I got back and out of the tub he called again and told me he had pulled some strings and that I could see him once more.

I threw my p.j.'s on, wet hair, no make-up and drove the ten miles to his dorm. I picked him up outside and we drove down the road his dorm was on as far as we could and parked the car and went back into a sort of picnic area with round tables that was secluded by trees. I sat on his lap as he held me and we just talked more and more about how fortunate we were and how far we'd come. He promised to me that he would be safe and always keep his head up and eyes open. We just sat there in the moonlight for one more moment we got to hold on again. He stroked my wet hair and kissed me over and over telling me I was beautiful, and he was lucky, and that he had too much to live for.

A short time later I had to take him back. Neither one of us wanting to let go, we clung on in the car, and kissed like it was our first kiss complete with butterflies and so much passion. We both cried a little and then we said goodbye see ya for the mid-tour this summer. I watched him walk as far as I could without breaking again and I left. I really needed that! I needed one more kiss and one more goodbye given in a collective state of mind. I needed him to see that I am the strong woman that he needs me to be so he can focus on war and know that I've got this. I prayed for my strength and God gave it to me through him!

Making Memories of Us

2006-11-09T18:52:00.000-06:00

This doesn’t feel right. It doesn’t feel like I should be 10 minutes from my husband without being able to see him or at least call to say hi. It’s not just that. My heart hurts, my head and my chest are throbbing, I feel like I’m going to vomit. I sit here sad and alone thinking of the last time I was here just a mere five days ago with so much hope and having just re-united with him. When I look out the window I see the gas station I parked behind to change in the back seat into my new cute outfit before I went and picked him up and it all takes me back.

On the way down Saturday morning I was filled with joy. Running on frappacino’s and love nervously, happily driving, in spite of my 3 hours of sleep the night before. I was so, so, so happy! I left at 4:30 a.m. when I left it was still dark and on my way here I watched the sun rise for the first time in my almost 26 years of life. I knew God was watching over me more than ever then, it was like a symbol to me. It took me back to the beginning of the Bible and how amazing the creation of this world was. I saw the silver lines meshing with the yellows and blues and reds and oranges and it was breathtaking. I ended up lost from following step by step MapQuest directions but I made it. An hour late, but who was counting? Only my husband and I who were chomping at the bit to see each other!

I lost phone service about 30 minutes out so I couldn’t call him when I arrived. I drove to the base after changing behind the service station that I mentioned earlier. I pulled up to a group of dorms where outside there were uniformed men crowding the parking lot playing a game of football and waiting on their own family members. When I realized Cliff wasn’t one of those I got out and nervously asked if anyone knew him. A nice Airman took me to my husband’s dorm. I became more nervous, shaking with every step. I finally saw him standing there at the other end of the dorm. It was all very surreal I became the shy girl that I used to be. He looked great and probably 20 pounds lighter than the last time I saw him. We happily embraced and he kissed me on the forehead….probably would’ve kissed me on the lips if I wasn’t so nervous and looking down. He showed me around his dorm or in his words his home. It was strange to see this tiny cubby that was his, neat and tidy, with pictures of me and the kids plastered on the wall next to his bed. He introduced me to his squadron and we left.

We drove around town looking for our hotel because neither of us knew which hotel we had a reservation at. A friend booked it for us and we each thought the other knew which one it was. We checked in and nervously talked for a minute before he finally kissed me. It struck me as odd that it felt so new to kiss my own husband; but nonetheless it sent a tingle through me and I had butterflies in my stomach. We spent the entire day inside our room. It felt nice to just be a wife and a lover for a day. We took a bubble bath and ate pizza in bed. We napped and of course the obvious over and over. It was one of the best days and feelings of my life. He had to be back at nine that evening so when the day was over we went to dinner at Dairy Queen (my choice) and then I took him back. I was invited in by Cliff’s supervisor and I just hung out in the dorm with a bunch of guys that had had way too much to drink. I stayed for maybe two hours and then came back to my room. I took off my makeup and was watching Law and Order in bed when Cliff called and asked me to make a beer run. How could I say no? So I go pick up beer and take it back to their dorm and was again invited in. I was there maybe five minutes before I was rudely booted by one of the commanders who confiscated the beer and asked me to leave even though I had been invited in by my husband’s superiors. After I left apparently a lot more happened and that Sergeant is no longer going on this deployment because of his behavior.

The next morning I woke up excited again and got ready and waited for the phone call saying I could get him to take him home. It came earlier than I anticipated with a “baby can you bring me some McDonald’s?” Of course I did and again there I sat in this strange cold place on a bed that my husband had been sleeping on for two months. I waited and I talked until noon when we got the go ahead. We picked up a Master Sergeant whose wife wasn’t going to make it down until Monday night and we headed out. It rained and was nasty the whole drive home. My brother in law went and picked the kids up for us from Choctaw and they and the rest of my family met us at home with a warm welcome and pizza and cake. We beat them all by about five minutes and then the kids showed up I let Cliff get them and I watched from the door with tears streaming down my face. It was like they never missed a beat. This made me feel like I must be doing something right for a 21 month old toddler to have not seen daddy in two months but remembered him and called out to him like he hadn’t been gone a single day. That gave me more joy than anything!

We all ate, my family left, and we got ready for bed. Cliff rocked sweet Kayla to sleep and I got the best picture of the two of them, it is something I’ll cherish forever, peeking around the corner, again in tears and watching him rock his baby. It made me so happy but so sad that he couldn’t do that every night for her. Braden was of course just excited because his wrestling buddy was back and easily suckered into letting him sleep in our bed. I don’t think I have ever slept that well in my life.

Monday was cold and rainy and we stayed in our pajamas all day long and hung out around the house. There was one small fight that day mostly because of me and my screwed up hormones from the meds I was taking. I apologized and then that evening we finally got dressed and went to pick out a new Christmas tree and ornaments.

Tuesday was rushed. I let Cliff sleep in and got up with the kids. We had a picture appointment for 11 a.m. and were ten minutes early looking our best. My husband was gorgeous in his blues and the rest of us in our Christmas clothes. They were an hour late taking our pictures and at that point the kids had had it so we didn’t get any great shots and the whole thing was kind of a let down. There were some cute ones of the kids and one decent family one that I ended up ordering just so I’d have something. We left there and went to lunch and then dropped the kids off at my sister’s so we could go buy groceries for our Thanksgiving/Christmas dinner on Wednesday. That took up a couple hours of our afternoon because while at base shopping Cliff decided to go visit friends/coworkers. We went and picked the kids up and spent some time with them and then later that evening we dropped them off at Nana Jo’s and had our date night. We talked and laughed and just loved each other. We ate at Outback for the first time since our engagement. We ate cheese fries and steaks and baked potatoes and had yummy Wallaby Darned drinks. Cliff ordered us the large ones not realizing that just one would make him tipsy and gigglyJ We talked about our engagement and our lives and how the time there was flying by too fast. We listened to a couple in the booth behind us have a petty argument and laughed at them also, though I secretly wanted to turn around and tell them to shut up and be thankful they were around each other often enough to have something to argue over. We were going to see a movie but decided to be typical us and go home and watch Law and Order on the couch. I fell asleep watching it but it was date night so he didn’t let me sleep long!

We woke early yesterday morning and Cliff started the turkey while I got ready. We left to go back by the base to pick up supplies for Cliff’s team and make a few more visits. We then headed to Choctaw to pick up the kids. We met Nana Jo at her salon and watched as our sweet baby girl got her first hair cut. Again, I was so excited her daddy could be there for that. We left with our new big girl with bangs and a trim which made her hair even sweeter and more curly. We went back home and Cliff continued cooking and loading new music on his MP3 player. Kayla napped and Braden and I ran errands and hung out. When we got home he and Cliff spent some time together as I did a little housework and showered. Then Cliff and the kids decorated the new Christmas tree. It looks beautiful.

Our evening was wonderful. My dad and step mom and little brother came down as well as the norm, my mom, step dad, other brother, sis, niece and nephew, bil, and grandmother and cousin. We stuffed ourselves and had a few drinks and after the guys smoked cigars on the back porch they came in and sang me happy birthday complete with my favorite homemade birthday cake made by Cliff himself. It was fun and I didn’t want it to end. I didn’t want anyone to leave because I knew when they did that I had to prepare myself for the end of Cliff’s being home. We put the kids down and laid in bed and he held me while I cried and he told me how brave I was and how thankful he was and that he would come home.

This morning we woke up too early after staying up too late and packed and I cried some more. I took the kids to my sister’s since Braden didn’t want to go and I knew I’d be really emotional anyhow. We waited on the master sergeant again who needed a ride back here also. I sat on Cliff’s lap like a child and again we talked about and planned for the future giving us both something to look forward to. We said again what we had said before that we were both the other’s hero and it was all very true.

The drive went too fast and was depressing. When we came upon exit 299 I lost it and began to cry again knowing that it would be a long time before I was that happy and secure again. He held my hand right for the last 32 miles and I just tried to fight back tears and thanked God for big sunglasses to help hide them. I tried to be strong, as strong as everyone seems to think I am but I couldn’t. When we pulled up we said a long goodbye giving many sweet kisses each time just saying one more until we couldn’t do it anymore. We told each other for what must have been the millionth time how lucky we were to have one another and how strong and brave we each were and how proud we both were of each other. And then he had to go and I had to go and I sat in the car and watched him walk until I couldn’t see him anymore and then I cried in the car waiting for a line of soldiers to finish marching past my exit out. I was sad to leave, no, not sad, horrified, sickened, and heartbroken to leave him, to come to this damn hotel and sit alone because I knew and he knew I’d be too emotional to drive. I know he was right and I promised him that as much as possible that I would enjoy the night to myself and take a bubble bath and read a good book but I can’t, I just want him back here with me I want this next 14 months to be over I just want my husband. I’m so thankful for the new memories that we made and for the love that we got to share in ways that were more than letters and phone calls. I’m gracious for all of that but most of me just feels like it wasn’t enough but it never could’ve been enough. I’m so scared and the reality has set in now that he leaves next Tuesday for Kuwait and then a few weeks later to the place that no wife ever wants to send her husband. I’m terrified for him, I’m terrified for me and for my kids. I’m searching for strength and am not finding it right now. All I can do is beg God to keep him safe and bring him home to me because I need him. He is my other half, my soul mate, and he just has to come back. I feel empty. I jut want to be with him and I don’t think there is anything else to say about it. I am heartbroken again just like I was when he left the first time but probably more so because of the harsh realities I’m facing with the fact that he’ll no longer be in Texas. I just hurt, I just want to feel normal for more than five days. I want to feel safe and secure and I can’t. I don’t mean to sound ungrateful because again I am not, I am just a heartbroken woman who didn’t want to leave her husband, but who didn’t have a choice. Nothing has been left unsaid and I’m thankful for that also and no one has to tell me twice we’re lucky to have one another I just hope for answered prayers and an entire lifetime with my family.
In hindsight they were some of the best days of my life. We played, we laughed, we cuddled, and we were normal for a moment. I closed my eyes with every touch and kiss and feeling and tried to put them in a place in my memory where they would never go away. There were so many moments when my heart felt so full I had to leave the room to cry or to choke back tears when I could. I am blessed for these new memories. I truly have an amazing husband; he is my hero and the love of my life and I am his for entirely different reasons and in such different ways. Please just pray for us both for strength and many more happy years and for the kids to find some understanding. I’m sorry this is all over the place, but I myself am all over the place right now, happy and gracious on one hand, and heartbroken and scared on the other. I hope this next 14 months passes by faster than I can imagine. God bless our soldiers and the people that love them!