So here I was still in this hotel room, feeling better after seeing how much support I really do have and over the worst feeling when my husband calls. He convinced me to go get dinner and come back and take a bubble bath. I feel bad and selfish for telling him how upset I really was because I know it upsets him. I did as he asked and when I got back and out of the tub he called again and told me he had pulled some strings and that I could see him once more.
I threw my p.j.'s on, wet hair, no make-up and drove the ten miles to his dorm. I picked him up outside and we drove down the road his dorm was on as far as we could and parked the car and went back into a sort of picnic area with round tables that was secluded by trees. I sat on his lap as he held me and we just talked more and more about how fortunate we were and how far we'd come. He promised to me that he would be safe and always keep his head up and eyes open. We just sat there in the moonlight for one more moment we got to hold on again. He stroked my wet hair and kissed me over and over telling me I was beautiful, and he was lucky, and that he had too much to live for.
A short time later I had to take him back. Neither one of us wanting to let go, we clung on in the car, and kissed like it was our first kiss complete with butterflies and so much passion. We both cried a little and then we said goodbye see ya for the mid-tour this summer. I watched him walk as far as I could without breaking again and I left. I really needed that! I needed one more kiss and one more goodbye given in a collective state of mind. I needed him to see that I am the strong woman that he needs me to be so he can focus on war and know that I've got this. I prayed for my strength and God gave it to me through him!
Friday, November 10, 2006
Thursday, November 09, 2006
Making Memories of Us
This doesn’t feel right. It doesn’t feel like I should be 10 minutes from my husband without being able to see him or at least call to say hi. It’s not just that. My heart hurts, my head and my chest are throbbing, I feel like I’m going to vomit. I sit here sad and alone thinking of the last time I was here just a mere five days ago with so much hope and having just re-united with him. When I look out the window I see the gas station I parked behind to change in the back seat into my new cute outfit before I went and picked him up and it all takes me back.
On the way down Saturday morning I was filled with joy. Running on frappacino’s and love nervously, happily driving, in spite of my 3 hours of sleep the night before. I was so, so, so happy! I left at 4:30 a.m. when I left it was still dark and on my way here I watched the sun rise for the first time in my almost 26 years of life. I knew God was watching over me more than ever then, it was like a symbol to me. It took me back to the beginning of the Bible and how amazing the creation of this world was. I saw the silver lines meshing with the yellows and blues and reds and oranges and it was breathtaking. I ended up lost from following step by step MapQuest directions but I made it. An hour late, but who was counting? Only my husband and I who were chomping at the bit to see each other!
I lost phone service about 30 minutes out so I couldn’t call him when I arrived. I drove to the base after changing behind the service station that I mentioned earlier. I pulled up to a group of dorms where outside there were uniformed men crowding the parking lot playing a game of football and waiting on their own family members. When I realized Cliff wasn’t one of those I got out and nervously asked if anyone knew him. A nice Airman took me to my husband’s dorm. I became more nervous, shaking with every step. I finally saw him standing there at the other end of the dorm. It was all very surreal I became the shy girl that I used to be. He looked great and probably 20 pounds lighter than the last time I saw him. We happily embraced and he kissed me on the forehead….probably would’ve kissed me on the lips if I wasn’t so nervous and looking down. He showed me around his dorm or in his words his home. It was strange to see this tiny cubby that was his, neat and tidy, with pictures of me and the kids plastered on the wall next to his bed. He introduced me to his squadron and we left.
We drove around town looking for our hotel because neither of us knew which hotel we had a reservation at. A friend booked it for us and we each thought the other knew which one it was. We checked in and nervously talked for a minute before he finally kissed me. It struck me as odd that it felt so new to kiss my own husband; but nonetheless it sent a tingle through me and I had butterflies in my stomach. We spent the entire day inside our room. It felt nice to just be a wife and a lover for a day. We took a bubble bath and ate pizza in bed. We napped and of course the obvious over and over. It was one of the best days and feelings of my life. He had to be back at nine that evening so when the day was over we went to dinner at Dairy Queen (my choice) and then I took him back. I was invited in by Cliff’s supervisor and I just hung out in the dorm with a bunch of guys that had had way too much to drink. I stayed for maybe two hours and then came back to my room. I took off my makeup and was watching Law and Order in bed when Cliff called and asked me to make a beer run. How could I say no? So I go pick up beer and take it back to their dorm and was again invited in. I was there maybe five minutes before I was rudely booted by one of the commanders who confiscated the beer and asked me to leave even though I had been invited in by my husband’s superiors. After I left apparently a lot more happened and that Sergeant is no longer going on this deployment because of his behavior.
The next morning I woke up excited again and got ready and waited for the phone call saying I could get him to take him home. It came earlier than I anticipated with a “baby can you bring me some McDonald’s?” Of course I did and again there I sat in this strange cold place on a bed that my husband had been sleeping on for two months. I waited and I talked until noon when we got the go ahead. We picked up a Master Sergeant whose wife wasn’t going to make it down until Monday night and we headed out. It rained and was nasty the whole drive home. My brother in law went and picked the kids up for us from Choctaw and they and the rest of my family met us at home with a warm welcome and pizza and cake. We beat them all by about five minutes and then the kids showed up I let Cliff get them and I watched from the door with tears streaming down my face. It was like they never missed a beat. This made me feel like I must be doing something right for a 21 month old toddler to have not seen daddy in two months but remembered him and called out to him like he hadn’t been gone a single day. That gave me more joy than anything!
We all ate, my family left, and we got ready for bed. Cliff rocked sweet Kayla to sleep and I got the best picture of the two of them, it is something I’ll cherish forever, peeking around the corner, again in tears and watching him rock his baby. It made me so happy but so sad that he couldn’t do that every night for her. Braden was of course just excited because his wrestling buddy was back and easily suckered into letting him sleep in our bed. I don’t think I have ever slept that well in my life.
Monday was cold and rainy and we stayed in our pajamas all day long and hung out around the house. There was one small fight that day mostly because of me and my screwed up hormones from the meds I was taking. I apologized and then that evening we finally got dressed and went to pick out a new Christmas tree and ornaments.
Tuesday was rushed. I let Cliff sleep in and got up with the kids. We had a picture appointment for 11 a.m. and were ten minutes early looking our best. My husband was gorgeous in his blues and the rest of us in our Christmas clothes. They were an hour late taking our pictures and at that point the kids had had it so we didn’t get any great shots and the whole thing was kind of a let down. There were some cute ones of the kids and one decent family one that I ended up ordering just so I’d have something. We left there and went to lunch and then dropped the kids off at my sister’s so we could go buy groceries for our Thanksgiving/Christmas dinner on Wednesday. That took up a couple hours of our afternoon because while at base shopping Cliff decided to go visit friends/coworkers. We went and picked the kids up and spent some time with them and then later that evening we dropped them off at Nana Jo’s and had our date night. We talked and laughed and just loved each other. We ate at Outback for the first time since our engagement. We ate cheese fries and steaks and baked potatoes and had yummy Wallaby Darned drinks. Cliff ordered us the large ones not realizing that just one would make him tipsy and gigglyJ We talked about our engagement and our lives and how the time there was flying by too fast. We listened to a couple in the booth behind us have a petty argument and laughed at them also, though I secretly wanted to turn around and tell them to shut up and be thankful they were around each other often enough to have something to argue over. We were going to see a movie but decided to be typical us and go home and watch Law and Order on the couch. I fell asleep watching it but it was date night so he didn’t let me sleep long!
We woke early yesterday morning and Cliff started the turkey while I got ready. We left to go back by the base to pick up supplies for Cliff’s team and make a few more visits. We then headed to Choctaw to pick up the kids. We met Nana Jo at her salon and watched as our sweet baby girl got her first hair cut. Again, I was so excited her daddy could be there for that. We left with our new big girl with bangs and a trim which made her hair even sweeter and more curly. We went back home and Cliff continued cooking and loading new music on his MP3 player. Kayla napped and Braden and I ran errands and hung out. When we got home he and Cliff spent some time together as I did a little housework and showered. Then Cliff and the kids decorated the new Christmas tree. It looks beautiful.
Our evening was wonderful. My dad and step mom and little brother came down as well as the norm, my mom, step dad, other brother, sis, niece and nephew, bil, and grandmother and cousin. We stuffed ourselves and had a few drinks and after the guys smoked cigars on the back porch they came in and sang me happy birthday complete with my favorite homemade birthday cake made by Cliff himself. It was fun and I didn’t want it to end. I didn’t want anyone to leave because I knew when they did that I had to prepare myself for the end of Cliff’s being home. We put the kids down and laid in bed and he held me while I cried and he told me how brave I was and how thankful he was and that he would come home.
This morning we woke up too early after staying up too late and packed and I cried some more. I took the kids to my sister’s since Braden didn’t want to go and I knew I’d be really emotional anyhow. We waited on the master sergeant again who needed a ride back here also. I sat on Cliff’s lap like a child and again we talked about and planned for the future giving us both something to look forward to. We said again what we had said before that we were both the other’s hero and it was all very true.
The drive went too fast and was depressing. When we came upon exit 299 I lost it and began to cry again knowing that it would be a long time before I was that happy and secure again. He held my hand right for the last 32 miles and I just tried to fight back tears and thanked God for big sunglasses to help hide them. I tried to be strong, as strong as everyone seems to think I am but I couldn’t. When we pulled up we said a long goodbye giving many sweet kisses each time just saying one more until we couldn’t do it anymore. We told each other for what must have been the millionth time how lucky we were to have one another and how strong and brave we each were and how proud we both were of each other. And then he had to go and I had to go and I sat in the car and watched him walk until I couldn’t see him anymore and then I cried in the car waiting for a line of soldiers to finish marching past my exit out. I was sad to leave, no, not sad, horrified, sickened, and heartbroken to leave him, to come to this damn hotel and sit alone because I knew and he knew I’d be too emotional to drive. I know he was right and I promised him that as much as possible that I would enjoy the night to myself and take a bubble bath and read a good book but I can’t, I just want him back here with me I want this next 14 months to be over I just want my husband. I’m so thankful for the new memories that we made and for the love that we got to share in ways that were more than letters and phone calls. I’m gracious for all of that but most of me just feels like it wasn’t enough but it never could’ve been enough. I’m so scared and the reality has set in now that he leaves next Tuesday for Kuwait and then a few weeks later to the place that no wife ever wants to send her husband. I’m terrified for him, I’m terrified for me and for my kids. I’m searching for strength and am not finding it right now. All I can do is beg God to keep him safe and bring him home to me because I need him. He is my other half, my soul mate, and he just has to come back. I feel empty. I jut want to be with him and I don’t think there is anything else to say about it. I am heartbroken again just like I was when he left the first time but probably more so because of the harsh realities I’m facing with the fact that he’ll no longer be in Texas. I just hurt, I just want to feel normal for more than five days. I want to feel safe and secure and I can’t. I don’t mean to sound ungrateful because again I am not, I am just a heartbroken woman who didn’t want to leave her husband, but who didn’t have a choice. Nothing has been left unsaid and I’m thankful for that also and no one has to tell me twice we’re lucky to have one another I just hope for answered prayers and an entire lifetime with my family.
In hindsight they were some of the best days of my life. We played, we laughed, we cuddled, and we were normal for a moment. I closed my eyes with every touch and kiss and feeling and tried to put them in a place in my memory where they would never go away. There were so many moments when my heart felt so full I had to leave the room to cry or to choke back tears when I could. I am blessed for these new memories. I truly have an amazing husband; he is my hero and the love of my life and I am his for entirely different reasons and in such different ways. Please just pray for us both for strength and many more happy years and for the kids to find some understanding. I’m sorry this is all over the place, but I myself am all over the place right now, happy and gracious on one hand, and heartbroken and scared on the other. I hope this next 14 months passes by faster than I can imagine. God bless our soldiers and the people that love them!
On the way down Saturday morning I was filled with joy. Running on frappacino’s and love nervously, happily driving, in spite of my 3 hours of sleep the night before. I was so, so, so happy! I left at 4:30 a.m. when I left it was still dark and on my way here I watched the sun rise for the first time in my almost 26 years of life. I knew God was watching over me more than ever then, it was like a symbol to me. It took me back to the beginning of the Bible and how amazing the creation of this world was. I saw the silver lines meshing with the yellows and blues and reds and oranges and it was breathtaking. I ended up lost from following step by step MapQuest directions but I made it. An hour late, but who was counting? Only my husband and I who were chomping at the bit to see each other!
I lost phone service about 30 minutes out so I couldn’t call him when I arrived. I drove to the base after changing behind the service station that I mentioned earlier. I pulled up to a group of dorms where outside there were uniformed men crowding the parking lot playing a game of football and waiting on their own family members. When I realized Cliff wasn’t one of those I got out and nervously asked if anyone knew him. A nice Airman took me to my husband’s dorm. I became more nervous, shaking with every step. I finally saw him standing there at the other end of the dorm. It was all very surreal I became the shy girl that I used to be. He looked great and probably 20 pounds lighter than the last time I saw him. We happily embraced and he kissed me on the forehead….probably would’ve kissed me on the lips if I wasn’t so nervous and looking down. He showed me around his dorm or in his words his home. It was strange to see this tiny cubby that was his, neat and tidy, with pictures of me and the kids plastered on the wall next to his bed. He introduced me to his squadron and we left.
We drove around town looking for our hotel because neither of us knew which hotel we had a reservation at. A friend booked it for us and we each thought the other knew which one it was. We checked in and nervously talked for a minute before he finally kissed me. It struck me as odd that it felt so new to kiss my own husband; but nonetheless it sent a tingle through me and I had butterflies in my stomach. We spent the entire day inside our room. It felt nice to just be a wife and a lover for a day. We took a bubble bath and ate pizza in bed. We napped and of course the obvious over and over. It was one of the best days and feelings of my life. He had to be back at nine that evening so when the day was over we went to dinner at Dairy Queen (my choice) and then I took him back. I was invited in by Cliff’s supervisor and I just hung out in the dorm with a bunch of guys that had had way too much to drink. I stayed for maybe two hours and then came back to my room. I took off my makeup and was watching Law and Order in bed when Cliff called and asked me to make a beer run. How could I say no? So I go pick up beer and take it back to their dorm and was again invited in. I was there maybe five minutes before I was rudely booted by one of the commanders who confiscated the beer and asked me to leave even though I had been invited in by my husband’s superiors. After I left apparently a lot more happened and that Sergeant is no longer going on this deployment because of his behavior.
The next morning I woke up excited again and got ready and waited for the phone call saying I could get him to take him home. It came earlier than I anticipated with a “baby can you bring me some McDonald’s?” Of course I did and again there I sat in this strange cold place on a bed that my husband had been sleeping on for two months. I waited and I talked until noon when we got the go ahead. We picked up a Master Sergeant whose wife wasn’t going to make it down until Monday night and we headed out. It rained and was nasty the whole drive home. My brother in law went and picked the kids up for us from Choctaw and they and the rest of my family met us at home with a warm welcome and pizza and cake. We beat them all by about five minutes and then the kids showed up I let Cliff get them and I watched from the door with tears streaming down my face. It was like they never missed a beat. This made me feel like I must be doing something right for a 21 month old toddler to have not seen daddy in two months but remembered him and called out to him like he hadn’t been gone a single day. That gave me more joy than anything!
We all ate, my family left, and we got ready for bed. Cliff rocked sweet Kayla to sleep and I got the best picture of the two of them, it is something I’ll cherish forever, peeking around the corner, again in tears and watching him rock his baby. It made me so happy but so sad that he couldn’t do that every night for her. Braden was of course just excited because his wrestling buddy was back and easily suckered into letting him sleep in our bed. I don’t think I have ever slept that well in my life.
Monday was cold and rainy and we stayed in our pajamas all day long and hung out around the house. There was one small fight that day mostly because of me and my screwed up hormones from the meds I was taking. I apologized and then that evening we finally got dressed and went to pick out a new Christmas tree and ornaments.
Tuesday was rushed. I let Cliff sleep in and got up with the kids. We had a picture appointment for 11 a.m. and were ten minutes early looking our best. My husband was gorgeous in his blues and the rest of us in our Christmas clothes. They were an hour late taking our pictures and at that point the kids had had it so we didn’t get any great shots and the whole thing was kind of a let down. There were some cute ones of the kids and one decent family one that I ended up ordering just so I’d have something. We left there and went to lunch and then dropped the kids off at my sister’s so we could go buy groceries for our Thanksgiving/Christmas dinner on Wednesday. That took up a couple hours of our afternoon because while at base shopping Cliff decided to go visit friends/coworkers. We went and picked the kids up and spent some time with them and then later that evening we dropped them off at Nana Jo’s and had our date night. We talked and laughed and just loved each other. We ate at Outback for the first time since our engagement. We ate cheese fries and steaks and baked potatoes and had yummy Wallaby Darned drinks. Cliff ordered us the large ones not realizing that just one would make him tipsy and gigglyJ We talked about our engagement and our lives and how the time there was flying by too fast. We listened to a couple in the booth behind us have a petty argument and laughed at them also, though I secretly wanted to turn around and tell them to shut up and be thankful they were around each other often enough to have something to argue over. We were going to see a movie but decided to be typical us and go home and watch Law and Order on the couch. I fell asleep watching it but it was date night so he didn’t let me sleep long!
We woke early yesterday morning and Cliff started the turkey while I got ready. We left to go back by the base to pick up supplies for Cliff’s team and make a few more visits. We then headed to Choctaw to pick up the kids. We met Nana Jo at her salon and watched as our sweet baby girl got her first hair cut. Again, I was so excited her daddy could be there for that. We left with our new big girl with bangs and a trim which made her hair even sweeter and more curly. We went back home and Cliff continued cooking and loading new music on his MP3 player. Kayla napped and Braden and I ran errands and hung out. When we got home he and Cliff spent some time together as I did a little housework and showered. Then Cliff and the kids decorated the new Christmas tree. It looks beautiful.
Our evening was wonderful. My dad and step mom and little brother came down as well as the norm, my mom, step dad, other brother, sis, niece and nephew, bil, and grandmother and cousin. We stuffed ourselves and had a few drinks and after the guys smoked cigars on the back porch they came in and sang me happy birthday complete with my favorite homemade birthday cake made by Cliff himself. It was fun and I didn’t want it to end. I didn’t want anyone to leave because I knew when they did that I had to prepare myself for the end of Cliff’s being home. We put the kids down and laid in bed and he held me while I cried and he told me how brave I was and how thankful he was and that he would come home.
This morning we woke up too early after staying up too late and packed and I cried some more. I took the kids to my sister’s since Braden didn’t want to go and I knew I’d be really emotional anyhow. We waited on the master sergeant again who needed a ride back here also. I sat on Cliff’s lap like a child and again we talked about and planned for the future giving us both something to look forward to. We said again what we had said before that we were both the other’s hero and it was all very true.
The drive went too fast and was depressing. When we came upon exit 299 I lost it and began to cry again knowing that it would be a long time before I was that happy and secure again. He held my hand right for the last 32 miles and I just tried to fight back tears and thanked God for big sunglasses to help hide them. I tried to be strong, as strong as everyone seems to think I am but I couldn’t. When we pulled up we said a long goodbye giving many sweet kisses each time just saying one more until we couldn’t do it anymore. We told each other for what must have been the millionth time how lucky we were to have one another and how strong and brave we each were and how proud we both were of each other. And then he had to go and I had to go and I sat in the car and watched him walk until I couldn’t see him anymore and then I cried in the car waiting for a line of soldiers to finish marching past my exit out. I was sad to leave, no, not sad, horrified, sickened, and heartbroken to leave him, to come to this damn hotel and sit alone because I knew and he knew I’d be too emotional to drive. I know he was right and I promised him that as much as possible that I would enjoy the night to myself and take a bubble bath and read a good book but I can’t, I just want him back here with me I want this next 14 months to be over I just want my husband. I’m so thankful for the new memories that we made and for the love that we got to share in ways that were more than letters and phone calls. I’m gracious for all of that but most of me just feels like it wasn’t enough but it never could’ve been enough. I’m so scared and the reality has set in now that he leaves next Tuesday for Kuwait and then a few weeks later to the place that no wife ever wants to send her husband. I’m terrified for him, I’m terrified for me and for my kids. I’m searching for strength and am not finding it right now. All I can do is beg God to keep him safe and bring him home to me because I need him. He is my other half, my soul mate, and he just has to come back. I feel empty. I jut want to be with him and I don’t think there is anything else to say about it. I am heartbroken again just like I was when he left the first time but probably more so because of the harsh realities I’m facing with the fact that he’ll no longer be in Texas. I just hurt, I just want to feel normal for more than five days. I want to feel safe and secure and I can’t. I don’t mean to sound ungrateful because again I am not, I am just a heartbroken woman who didn’t want to leave her husband, but who didn’t have a choice. Nothing has been left unsaid and I’m thankful for that also and no one has to tell me twice we’re lucky to have one another I just hope for answered prayers and an entire lifetime with my family.
In hindsight they were some of the best days of my life. We played, we laughed, we cuddled, and we were normal for a moment. I closed my eyes with every touch and kiss and feeling and tried to put them in a place in my memory where they would never go away. There were so many moments when my heart felt so full I had to leave the room to cry or to choke back tears when I could. I am blessed for these new memories. I truly have an amazing husband; he is my hero and the love of my life and I am his for entirely different reasons and in such different ways. Please just pray for us both for strength and many more happy years and for the kids to find some understanding. I’m sorry this is all over the place, but I myself am all over the place right now, happy and gracious on one hand, and heartbroken and scared on the other. I hope this next 14 months passes by faster than I can imagine. God bless our soldiers and the people that love them!
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