Drunk Musings

First of all I should not have gone out but I NEEDED to go out.

Second of all I love drunk Susan:)

Third and most importantly. My husband is away for a LOOONG time, there is nothing in the world that is more REAL than that. My silly friends and their ridiculous drama don't mean crap to me, I said that to them and one in particular doesn't get it. Silly fights are so behind the point that I am at. I am not in high school anymore, I haven't been in more years than I care to count. Why can't people see what's REALLY important in life? Seriously, my husband could NOT come home to me, the one true love of my life, and they're worried about ex-boyfriends and he said she said shit. I just don't seem to care......

Cliff and Valentines Day

I wanted to update this so I don't sound like a huge baby anymore, though yes I do feel entitled at times.....

Cliff walked two miles with his laptop yesterday all to IM me. I was ecstatic when I was sitting here so sad and an IM from him popped up on my screen. God I miss him. We chatted for awhile and it was sooo nice. He said that they're trying really hard to get internet where they're at but AAFES is giving them a hard time about it so who knows. I am okay now knowing that he's okay. We have such a connection and I know that sounds strange to people who don't have it, or haven't yet experienced it but I could seriously feel the effect on him. That made it a million times worse to feel how much pain it was for him. I can't imagine even as much as I enjoy our communication how vital it must be for a man in war when there isn't anyone else to talk to.

So I'm better now because I know he's okay.

So on to Valentines Day and more about my spectacular husband and kids.....
The day before yesterday I got two packages. One is BEAUTIFUL butterfly jewelry that Cliff bought and sent to me from Iraq along with an AF bear that folds up like a Popple and a sweet card. I also had one from a friend full of my favorite goodies:) I sat there and ate the chocolate she sent me and cried in the floor giving myself a short pity party. I miss him dammit and it makes me bitter sometimes.

So, I got a call from him this morning. PERFECT timing. I had just crawled out of bed and mosied sleepily into the living room when the phone rang. My heart raced, I knew it was him! I got to carry on a full conversation with him. I got to hear his voice and my gosh it was so soothing and I felt really normal for a minute. It was completely awesome!! My sweet boy Braden came home from school with a handmade Valentine, it is the sweetest thing ever. On the front it says I love you Mommy and on the inside he wrote his scribbly, pre-k name and drew a picture of a little girl with pony tails. He's growing up too fast and those are TRULY the moments that make being a mommy the most rewarding thing in the universe. Speaking of mommy, that was my Valentine from Kayla her being particularly whiney and sad today and she no longer calls me mama, it's mommy. It touches my heart and soul everytime she says it. Anyhow, my mom had also taken Braden shopping and he came home with daisies and Dove Promises for me. It was a good day!! It reminded me of all the things I have to be thankful for when it seems so hard for me to remember some days especially lately.

Another test...

I wish I wasn't so hurt. I wish I was over the shock of the things a military wife with a deployed husband must endure, but I'm not. Today we've been given a new test which is certainly proof I'm still open to the pain of it all.

I haven't been able to talk about this because it sickens me, I finally told my mom today and that's it. I've known since last week sometime. I haven't even told Cliff's own family, I'm avoiding it, I don't want it to be real. I in a complete state of denial.

Cliff has been moved. He is still in that godforsaken place but instead of being in that godforsaken place with the amenities he had before ie. internet....he has nothing. He and the team he is with worked SO hard to build that POS building up to make it liveable. The building was given to them in the worst condition. No people this isn't a war thing this is a my husband is deployed with another branch who hates the air force thing. It's sad!! It is HEARTBREAKING to see our own hero's treated like shit because the branch I will not name doesn't think they needed the aid of the Air Force....clearly higher ranking officals disagreed!

Anyhow back to my point. My husband and his team spent a lot of time and their own money out of OUR pockets (our being A.F. families) building this place up and making it decent. They bought things, they built furniture, put up walls, painted. They worked their asses off and NOW a new team from the other branch comes in and the Air Force gets booted.

I know I'm whining but I don't give a shit. I know people live like this and have for years but when you're used to having internet and the capability to talk and communicate regularly and be given regular peace of mind that the love of your life is still alive and well and then that too is lost it gives the heart little room for hope. IT HURTS. I hurt, I'm crying now about it for the first time because today when I came home and there was no message from him on my screen it finally hit that it was true and the thing we hoped wouldn't happen did. I have no clue when I get to talk to my husband again. That's hard to swallow.

I will continue to pray for him of course and also that this is temporary or that God gives me more strength than I feel right now. I know it could be worse, I don't want to hear any of that right now, I just want to be sad or for it to all be over. I'm entitled to feel this way and I dare someone to make one of their regular smartass comments telling me otherwise....

My Sick birthday boy

There is my sick boy on birthday number 5 (2/4/07). So sick that he didn't care about postponing a buildabear trip. He did get his ice cream cake though. Clearly I'm slacking on posting pics in chronological order but if you know me well, you know I'm a fan of better late than never. I think it's good to post pics on days that you don't have time to post much else, even if there are a zillion things you have to talk about. Maybe later!?

Dance baby dance....

Kayla had her first night of dance class tonight. She was shy at first and spent most of the night sitting in my lap sucking her thumb but eventually she got a little more courage and rolled around on the floor. She also began to do the movements in my lap. Once she even ran over to her teacher "Sunshine" and reached for her to pick her up and then danced in her arms for a moment. She hasn't stopped spinning since we got home. I got invited to join a mommy class and am heavily considering it, as it is one of my most missed memories.

Nada Really

Maybe I should change my blog name to randomness and time passing...???

I have a million thoughts a day, by the end I don't remember the majority and the rest really aren't worth writing about most of the time. At the request of a friend (Piper) I'll do it anyhow in my "free time" haha:)

I'm tired right now, tired of people, tired of school, tired of the heartache that comes with missing my husband. He got to call once last week; just my luck I left the phone off the hook all night so the battery died as soon as he said hello. I cried. I cried for two reasons; the first being that I didn't get to talk to him, the second was because of how the sound of his voice made me feel, how it plunged straight to my head and my heart pulling out so many emotions. Amazing what a voice can do. It hurt yet comforted me at the same time.

So back to the being tired of people. Ever feel like people just don't give a damn? I do. I can deal with this response from strangers but not from my own family and friends. It's like they're all so inadvertently clueless or maybe it's that they don't want to risk seeing the raw emotion that consumes me sometimes. Either way it hurts. Seems simple to me like the proverbial "Love your neighbor as you love yourself." I don't get how they can coldy turn their backs to me when I need them the most and then wonder why I seem "aggravated" at them. Seriously? Yep!

I'm taking an environmental science class which is really interesting but I am so unmotivated about school right now. Too many other obligations going on in my life right now ie: being the mother of children ages 5 and 2! I can't even have five minutes of peace to myself lately. Sleeping is the main issue. It's 10 after 10 and they are both screaming in protest to sleeping in their own beds. Braden was fine with it last week as long as Zoey was in the room with him but this week the poor dog is refusing to be his sleep aid and has returned to her old habit of snoozing in front of the back door. Braden's crying over this woke Kayla up so I let her up and put her in bed with him. After 3 trips of laying them both back down I gave up and let my frustrations take over. I was mad and mean and I put them both back in their beds and basically said scream your lungs out but don't you dare get out of those beds. I simply can't deal with not having a moment alone to do school work or anything alone for that matter.

Right now I feel completely mean and frustrated. I yelled and I yelled a lot. I hate that I have to fight with them over this but sometimes I feel as though neither one of them respect a single action I take in my parenting them....yes even Kayla at the age of two. Sigh....that's it for now, I don't want to "talk" about it anymore.