Another test...

I wish I wasn't so hurt. I wish I was over the shock of the things a military wife with a deployed husband must endure, but I'm not. Today we've been given a new test which is certainly proof I'm still open to the pain of it all.

I haven't been able to talk about this because it sickens me, I finally told my mom today and that's it. I've known since last week sometime. I haven't even told Cliff's own family, I'm avoiding it, I don't want it to be real. I in a complete state of denial.

Cliff has been moved. He is still in that godforsaken place but instead of being in that godforsaken place with the amenities he had before ie. internet....he has nothing. He and the team he is with worked SO hard to build that POS building up to make it liveable. The building was given to them in the worst condition. No people this isn't a war thing this is a my husband is deployed with another branch who hates the air force thing. It's sad!! It is HEARTBREAKING to see our own hero's treated like shit because the branch I will not name doesn't think they needed the aid of the Air Force....clearly higher ranking officals disagreed!

Anyhow back to my point. My husband and his team spent a lot of time and their own money out of OUR pockets (our being A.F. families) building this place up and making it decent. They bought things, they built furniture, put up walls, painted. They worked their asses off and NOW a new team from the other branch comes in and the Air Force gets booted.

I know I'm whining but I don't give a shit. I know people live like this and have for years but when you're used to having internet and the capability to talk and communicate regularly and be given regular peace of mind that the love of your life is still alive and well and then that too is lost it gives the heart little room for hope. IT HURTS. I hurt, I'm crying now about it for the first time because today when I came home and there was no message from him on my screen it finally hit that it was true and the thing we hoped wouldn't happen did. I have no clue when I get to talk to my husband again. That's hard to swallow.

I will continue to pray for him of course and also that this is temporary or that God gives me more strength than I feel right now. I know it could be worse, I don't want to hear any of that right now, I just want to be sad or for it to all be over. I'm entitled to feel this way and I dare someone to make one of their regular smartass comments telling me otherwise....