D is for Duck Pond

Cliff's last full day here, we took the kids to the duck pond before we dropped them off and he said good bye! I'm in a funk today and don't feel like writing much, so I thought I'd share pics of a happy day! And yes, I'm fully aware I'm waaaaaaay behind, I'll catch up eventually!

C is for Christ

I was baptized when I was 9 years old...I remember it vividly. It was at Greenfield Acres Baptist Church in Odessa, Texas. It was my great-grandmothers church. She was (and still is) singlehandedly the biggest Christian influence in my life. She is now 87 years old and I adore her on the same level that I adore my own mother on. To this day I can walk into that church (where she still plays the organ) and she will get up and speak of my days in that church as a child. She will tell the entire congregation (all maybe 50 of them, most of whom I know) about how I used to take my Cabbage Patch doll (Jennifer) to church with me and sit in the front pew and never say a word. This used to embarrass me, now it touches my heart deeply!

As an adult, I have certainly gone through ups and downs in my relationship with God. A few years ago I started going to church with my mother. This was a HUGE deal to me because my mother never went to church. In Odessa and again after moving to Oklahoma as a child I always went to church with my sister and cousins. Faith was a big part of who I was even as a child. Saying that, it still always has been, no matter what I've been doing or where I've been in my life, prayer and faith are sometimes the only thing that can comfort me and bring me great amounts of peace.

When Cliff left I had found a good spot for me if that makes sense. I would get up earlier than the kids, come in the living room read the Bible and have prayer time. After awhile though, I began having anxiety issues and not sleeping well and my time in the morning where I could sleep later seemed more important. I always pray but I don't live my life ideally or even have any more than a few minutes a day focusing on God. Sometimes I still feel like because I have girls night out a couple times a month I'm not worthy. My grandmother snapped me out of that really quick when she made a comment about she knows someone else who can enjoy the wine a little too much....clearly she was speaking of herself. Totally made me giggle, to picutre my 87 year old grandmother drunk off wine!!

I've been giving my relationship with God a LOT of thought lately. Last night I rolled over to go to sleep with Braden behind me and he said to me "Mama, let's not forget my prayers." Funny how the faith of a five year old boy can open his mother's eyes like that. I helped him find his faith...now he's helping me get back to mine:)

As I start my BFL challenge today I'm also challenging myself spiritually to gain back the strength in my relationship with God. I haven't been going to church since my mom's surgery, so I didn't have to go alone. This Sunday the kids and I will go for sure....as I sit here I am thinking to myself I am NEVER alone!! That thought alone brings me great comfort!

B is for Body for Life

SO nevermind the fact that I am already several days behind on my alphabet posts! Thank goodness there are more than 26 days in a month:)

Emily has inspired me to start a new program called Body For Life. I don't have the book yet but I have winged it off their website and I went shopping for some of the things I need tonight. I'm excited to get started tomorrow!!

A is for Andrea...the asset!

I was going to write about appreciation or animals but in talking to my good friend Andrea she seems to think I should write about her saying something to the affect of, "what do you mean you can't think of an a word...hello ANDREA." Even though she's not doing this alphabet project, she promises to write a blog about me on the 17th of August since M is the 17th letter of the alphabet. We'll see if she really does it and if she does it should be interesting ;)

I met Andrea somewhere around three years ago on babycenter.com! She and I and a few other mommies formed a group called threadkillers...hmm maybe there's my T? I won't get into all of that, but I stayed friends with this small group of ladies after my babycenter days were over and before I was invited to another mommy board some of them are a part of. She and those other women became my best friends during some crazy parts of my life.

I didn't get to meet Andrea in person until March of this year. She and Piper came to pick me and the kids up from LAX. I wondered how it would feel to finally meet them, but when the moment came it was as if we'd known eachother forever. It's amazing what the internet can bring about! So that's how I know her.....

Andrea and I are a lot alike. We talk on IM everyday we are way too much alike somedays. We both can turn a small life problem into a huge ordeal, and even worse is the fact that neither of us make decisions easily! It is extremely rare that we say goodbye to eachother on the computer, we'll IM eachother throughout the day and both just leave the conversation when we're ready and usually come back a few hours later.

I can tell Andrea anything and though she will ask me tons o questions LOL she will NEVER judge me! If I need to cry, she will be the person who I can go to who will sympathize with me, she'll tell me why that part of my life is negative and why I don't need it, she'll get mad and sad for me and try to help me fix it even when I'm too stubborn to listen sometimes!

Andrea is simply one of the most wonderful people I have ever been blessed to meet! She is so full of life and love and fun. She adores her son. She has her husband majorly in check (haha). She has the cutest voice! She is always on my mind and in my prayers. It makes me mad that she's been so hurt lately.

In my adulthood, she has been one of the people who has most opened my eyes to the meanings and values of TRUE friendship. A couple of years ago I would've said I had tons of friends! Becoming friends with Andrea helped me change my opinion of that. She helped me learn a true friend wouldn't just call me when they needed something, but they'd let me call them and they'd listen to me. She truly loves me for me, I can be as goofy as I want, as obnoxious as I want and she will STILL love me at the end of it. That is more meaningful to me then she will ever know! I have made a lifelong friend in Andrea. I love and respect her for more reasons than she will ever know! Thanks Andrea the asset....for EVERYTHING!

You find out who your friends are

Somebody's gonna drop everything

Run out and crank up their car

Hit the gas, get there fast

Never stop to think 'what's in it for me?'

or 'it's way too far

'They just show on up with their big old heart

You find out who your friends are

Joining Mary Ann

Mary Ann has introduced me via babyboard to this blog! I will be joining Mary Ann and lots of others in writing a post each day from today August 1st through August 26th each day using a letter of the alphabet...in order of course...so today I'll start with A is for and on the 26th it will be Z is for....make sense?

Rockin' Mama Blogger Award!

My sweet mommy friend Amanda thinks I am worthy of this >>>>>

I'm not sure I actually am but I feel honored anyway. Amanda is a wonderful woman and a great mother to her three gorgeous kiddos, Josh, Gillian, and Reagan. She has a very inspiring faith in God and I love her extra because our political views are almost just alike! Thanks Amanda for picking me and for keeping Cliff in your prayers!


It's gonna be tough picking ladies who haven't already been picked because while I have a small circle of blog friends like Andrea all the ladies in that small circle rock and have mostly been chosen for the award already. So forgive me if I pick someone for a second time!

• First on my list is Devon! Devon is one of the funniest women I know, this girl can find humor in anything and can always make people laugh! She is a terrific mother and awesome sister to her brother that is fighting cancer.

• Second is Kulia. Kulia has become a very dear and helpful friend to me during Cliff's deployment. She always has words of wisdom to offer as she is a navy wife. I respect many things about her including the love she has for sweet Maya, her healthy lifestyle, and her passion about politics, as well as the way she writes!

• Third is Mary Ann. She is a wonderful mommy to one year old Sam and is pregnant with her second son! That in itself is very admirable! She is also an extremely sweet person and you can tell with every word she writes that she loves her family and her life!

• Fourth is Helen, yes even though she's taking the rest of the summer off from blogging. Helen is a busy mom of three beautiful girls. She always has awesome recipes and seems to keep her household organized and in tip top shape!

• Fifth is Laura. Like Amanda Laura has an awesome and inspiring faith in God. She teaches that to her sweet daughter Maya. She is also pregnant with a baby boy. She is an all around sweetheart and a wonderful person!

Where have I been?

My lack of posting, comes not from having nothing to say, but from having so much to say that I don't know where to begin. My last month has been a roller coaster of emotional highs and lows. There was that pre-Cliff coming home period where I was stressed and bitchy beyond belief and then there was that nearly two weeks of heaven when he came home and I realized my husband didn't love me any less and didn't act any different....unless you count the fact that I know we fell more in love while he was home! Then there was his leaving which was much worse than I thought and then the re-healing.

Now my dear sweet mother whom I could talk forever about had a major surgery this past Wednesday and it has been harder than I could ever put into words to watch her in her current state. My 6 year old brother is practically living with me now which adds a wee bit more stress to my plate, but my main focus for now is my family and trying to take the role of my mother and keep us all happy and sane.

I haven't blogged mostly because when I do find the time I think where do I start? I should post in order...I can't post about my mom's surgery and then about Cliff's leave and things in between here and there because that's not chronololgically correct....BUT if you know me you know I RARELY do things in an organized manner! So, I'm saying to hell with that, I'll post whatever I want whenever I want, it is afterall MY blog ;) Who knows what I'll post next!?

Tagged!!!

Maryann tagged me for a fun game!!

ON THIS DAY - Go to Wikipedia and type in your birthday (only the month and day). Choose and write down 3 events, 2 births and 1 holiday. Then tag 5 friends.

*Events
1956 - During a Carl Perkins recording session also involving Jerry Lee Lewis and Johnny Cash at Sun Records in Memphis, Tennessee, Elvis Presley visits the studio and jams with Perkins and Lewis extensively with the tape recorders rolling. (Cash reportedly participates briefly in the jam before leaving the studio with his wife and daughter.) The four men become known as the Million Dollar Quartet, and the complete tape from this legendary session is eventually released on compact disc (CD) in 1987.

1980 - The rock group Led Zeppelin formally announces its breakup.

2001 - Lisa Beamer, wife of Todd Beamer, through the Todd M. Beamer Foundation, registers [1] the trademark "Let's Roll" with the United States Patent and Trademark Office less than three months after his death in the September 11, 2001 terrorist attacks in the United States.

*Births
1969 - Jay-Z (Shawn Carter), American rapper

1973 - Tyra Banks, American supermodel

*Holiday
Calendar of Saints - Saint John of Damascus: optional memorial; also the Great Martyr Saint Barbara

I am now going to tag Nichole, Piper, Andrea, Lori, and Kulia.

Happily Waiting

For the past several days I have woken up with my mind just racing, stomach full of butterflies, and a smile plastered across my face! I have only 1 week and 5 days until my husband is home. I am spending most every spare second making sure things are in perfect order for his arrival. I just CAN NOT wait!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Pre-K Graduation Class of 2007

Braden kissing his baby sister Ella

Braden and his step-sister Madison

Braden and his paternal grandma (Nana Jo)

Isn't he CUTE?

Blake and Braden pre-graduation!!Braden walking onto the stage!
Class of 2007!!
Mommy and Braden

I'll be taking some more photos of Braden and Kayla together tomorrow, she was too tired tonight to even think of cooperating!

Words cannot express the warmth and sadness I feel as my little man graduates from pre-k. I'm in disbelief that he is actually starting kindergarten next year. Along with my sadness however, is an amazing sense of pride at how smart Braden is and what a wonderful, well-mannered, and caring boy he is!! I am SO lucky to be his mom! I am going to go lay down with him and snuggle him closely tonight!

Tagged

Yikes Andrea tagged me on May 15th and I just now saw it LOL.

I'm supposed to list ten things that make me warm and fuzzy!! Hmmm.....

1. Cuddles from my kids
2. The thought of Cliff coming home
3. Being a t-ball mom
4. Watching Kayla dance
5. Flowers
6. Chocolate
7. Alcohol
8. Photos of my children as babies.
9. The American Flag
10. Vacations

The 8 year mark

May 19th, 2007 marked EIGHT years since I graduated high school. I am of course in complete shock and denial that it's been that long. To add to my being emotional about this is the fact that they tore down my high school and built a new one behind it....how sad is that :( I have so many wonderful (and not so wonderful) memories in that place, it was my home for four years, I truly loved that place. To drive by it and see the wreckage there right now is awfully heartbreaking.

This has all gotten me thinking about life and how I founded so many dreams at that school and during that time. Which brings me to the point....isn't it funny how most of our lives don't work out the way we think they will?? I entered my first marriage almost exactly 7 months to the day after I graduated. I thought I was so ready for that and because of past experiences considered myself "grown up." 8 years later, I'm on my second marriage just passing the one year mark and at the age of 26 still not feeling completely grown up and still not knowing exactly who I am, attending college and learning and growing all the time while trying to help my children learn and grow and at the same time be a rock to my husband.

I used to be terrified of turning 30 (still 3 1/2 years away), now I'm looking forward to it and hoping that by the time I get there I'll know more about me and have discovered more of myself and have more of an idea of what God's plan is for me on this earth...you know besides raising babies and being a strong wife to my hero husband. Sometimes life seems so uncertain, but as funny as it sounds just writing this has made me realize how perfectly perfect my crazy life is!

A little break down

I go along from day to day most of the time not even feeling like myself or even wondering..."who am I?" I throw myself into everything I can so that I don't have to sit down and think and be reminded and feel.

But then there are nights like tonight when I sit here all alone listening to music...of course drawn to the songs that remind me of my husband and then all of a sudden weeks worth of emotions flood over me and the pain has such a hold on me that I'm unable to shut it off or to just walk away from it and I just have to break down. I miss him so much....so so so so much. It's laying in bed at night with his t-shirt wishing he were in it, wishing for just one more small kiss, laying in bed when everything is still and trying like hell to remember the exact color of his eyes and the way they sparkle in the light and the way they stare into mine reaching the very depths of my soul, the warmth of his hug, the touch of his skin, the sound of his voice and hoping that I can always remember everything about who he is just in case.....and then there are the selfish things like wishing to feel like a normal wife again...you know the married kind whose husbands are home to share the responsibilities of his family instead of the responsibilities of his country, praying and praying so hard that he makes it home, praying and praying so hard that he can withstand the emotions of the horrid things he's seen during our time apart, hoping that I am still the person he fell in love with when he comes home....I could go on forever but I'll spare anyone reading this LOL.

I do know my husband is brave, I am SO much more proud of him than he could ever know in a million years...sometimes it's just hard...this is my current think of Cliff song....
Come Home Soon by SheDaisy
I put away the groceries
And I take my daily bread
I dream of your arms around me
As I tuck the kids in bed
I don't know what you're doin'
And I don't know where you are
But I look up at that great big sky
And I hope you're wishin' on that same bright star
I wonder, I pray
[Chorus:]And I sleep alone
I cry alone
And it's so hard livin' here on my own
So please, come home soon(Come home soon)
I know that we're togetherEven though we're far apart
And I'll wear our lucky penny 'round my neck
Pressed to my heart
I wonder, I pray[Chorus:]
And I sleep alone
I cry aloneAnd it's so hard livin' here on my own
So please, come home soon(Come home soon)
[Bridge:]I still imagine your touch
It's beautiful missing something that much
But sometimes love needs a fighting chance
So I'll wait my turn until it's our turn to dance
I wonder, I pray
[Second Chorus:]I sleep aloneI cry alone
Without you this house is not a home
So please, come home soon
[Third Chorus:]I walk alone
I try aloneI'll wait for you, don't want to die alone
So please, come home soon
Come home soon
Come home soon

Drunk Musings

First of all I should not have gone out but I NEEDED to go out.

Second of all I love drunk Susan:)

Third and most importantly. My husband is away for a LOOONG time, there is nothing in the world that is more REAL than that. My silly friends and their ridiculous drama don't mean crap to me, I said that to them and one in particular doesn't get it. Silly fights are so behind the point that I am at. I am not in high school anymore, I haven't been in more years than I care to count. Why can't people see what's REALLY important in life? Seriously, my husband could NOT come home to me, the one true love of my life, and they're worried about ex-boyfriends and he said she said shit. I just don't seem to care......

Cliff and Valentines Day

I wanted to update this so I don't sound like a huge baby anymore, though yes I do feel entitled at times.....

Cliff walked two miles with his laptop yesterday all to IM me. I was ecstatic when I was sitting here so sad and an IM from him popped up on my screen. God I miss him. We chatted for awhile and it was sooo nice. He said that they're trying really hard to get internet where they're at but AAFES is giving them a hard time about it so who knows. I am okay now knowing that he's okay. We have such a connection and I know that sounds strange to people who don't have it, or haven't yet experienced it but I could seriously feel the effect on him. That made it a million times worse to feel how much pain it was for him. I can't imagine even as much as I enjoy our communication how vital it must be for a man in war when there isn't anyone else to talk to.

So I'm better now because I know he's okay.

So on to Valentines Day and more about my spectacular husband and kids.....
The day before yesterday I got two packages. One is BEAUTIFUL butterfly jewelry that Cliff bought and sent to me from Iraq along with an AF bear that folds up like a Popple and a sweet card. I also had one from a friend full of my favorite goodies:) I sat there and ate the chocolate she sent me and cried in the floor giving myself a short pity party. I miss him dammit and it makes me bitter sometimes.

So, I got a call from him this morning. PERFECT timing. I had just crawled out of bed and mosied sleepily into the living room when the phone rang. My heart raced, I knew it was him! I got to carry on a full conversation with him. I got to hear his voice and my gosh it was so soothing and I felt really normal for a minute. It was completely awesome!! My sweet boy Braden came home from school with a handmade Valentine, it is the sweetest thing ever. On the front it says I love you Mommy and on the inside he wrote his scribbly, pre-k name and drew a picture of a little girl with pony tails. He's growing up too fast and those are TRULY the moments that make being a mommy the most rewarding thing in the universe. Speaking of mommy, that was my Valentine from Kayla her being particularly whiney and sad today and she no longer calls me mama, it's mommy. It touches my heart and soul everytime she says it. Anyhow, my mom had also taken Braden shopping and he came home with daisies and Dove Promises for me. It was a good day!! It reminded me of all the things I have to be thankful for when it seems so hard for me to remember some days especially lately.

Another test...

I wish I wasn't so hurt. I wish I was over the shock of the things a military wife with a deployed husband must endure, but I'm not. Today we've been given a new test which is certainly proof I'm still open to the pain of it all.

I haven't been able to talk about this because it sickens me, I finally told my mom today and that's it. I've known since last week sometime. I haven't even told Cliff's own family, I'm avoiding it, I don't want it to be real. I in a complete state of denial.

Cliff has been moved. He is still in that godforsaken place but instead of being in that godforsaken place with the amenities he had before ie. internet....he has nothing. He and the team he is with worked SO hard to build that POS building up to make it liveable. The building was given to them in the worst condition. No people this isn't a war thing this is a my husband is deployed with another branch who hates the air force thing. It's sad!! It is HEARTBREAKING to see our own hero's treated like shit because the branch I will not name doesn't think they needed the aid of the Air Force....clearly higher ranking officals disagreed!

Anyhow back to my point. My husband and his team spent a lot of time and their own money out of OUR pockets (our being A.F. families) building this place up and making it decent. They bought things, they built furniture, put up walls, painted. They worked their asses off and NOW a new team from the other branch comes in and the Air Force gets booted.

I know I'm whining but I don't give a shit. I know people live like this and have for years but when you're used to having internet and the capability to talk and communicate regularly and be given regular peace of mind that the love of your life is still alive and well and then that too is lost it gives the heart little room for hope. IT HURTS. I hurt, I'm crying now about it for the first time because today when I came home and there was no message from him on my screen it finally hit that it was true and the thing we hoped wouldn't happen did. I have no clue when I get to talk to my husband again. That's hard to swallow.

I will continue to pray for him of course and also that this is temporary or that God gives me more strength than I feel right now. I know it could be worse, I don't want to hear any of that right now, I just want to be sad or for it to all be over. I'm entitled to feel this way and I dare someone to make one of their regular smartass comments telling me otherwise....

My Sick birthday boy

There is my sick boy on birthday number 5 (2/4/07). So sick that he didn't care about postponing a buildabear trip. He did get his ice cream cake though. Clearly I'm slacking on posting pics in chronological order but if you know me well, you know I'm a fan of better late than never. I think it's good to post pics on days that you don't have time to post much else, even if there are a zillion things you have to talk about. Maybe later!?

Dance baby dance....

Kayla had her first night of dance class tonight. She was shy at first and spent most of the night sitting in my lap sucking her thumb but eventually she got a little more courage and rolled around on the floor. She also began to do the movements in my lap. Once she even ran over to her teacher "Sunshine" and reached for her to pick her up and then danced in her arms for a moment. She hasn't stopped spinning since we got home. I got invited to join a mommy class and am heavily considering it, as it is one of my most missed memories.

Nada Really

Maybe I should change my blog name to randomness and time passing...???

I have a million thoughts a day, by the end I don't remember the majority and the rest really aren't worth writing about most of the time. At the request of a friend (Piper) I'll do it anyhow in my "free time" haha:)

I'm tired right now, tired of people, tired of school, tired of the heartache that comes with missing my husband. He got to call once last week; just my luck I left the phone off the hook all night so the battery died as soon as he said hello. I cried. I cried for two reasons; the first being that I didn't get to talk to him, the second was because of how the sound of his voice made me feel, how it plunged straight to my head and my heart pulling out so many emotions. Amazing what a voice can do. It hurt yet comforted me at the same time.

So back to the being tired of people. Ever feel like people just don't give a damn? I do. I can deal with this response from strangers but not from my own family and friends. It's like they're all so inadvertently clueless or maybe it's that they don't want to risk seeing the raw emotion that consumes me sometimes. Either way it hurts. Seems simple to me like the proverbial "Love your neighbor as you love yourself." I don't get how they can coldy turn their backs to me when I need them the most and then wonder why I seem "aggravated" at them. Seriously? Yep!

I'm taking an environmental science class which is really interesting but I am so unmotivated about school right now. Too many other obligations going on in my life right now ie: being the mother of children ages 5 and 2! I can't even have five minutes of peace to myself lately. Sleeping is the main issue. It's 10 after 10 and they are both screaming in protest to sleeping in their own beds. Braden was fine with it last week as long as Zoey was in the room with him but this week the poor dog is refusing to be his sleep aid and has returned to her old habit of snoozing in front of the back door. Braden's crying over this woke Kayla up so I let her up and put her in bed with him. After 3 trips of laying them both back down I gave up and let my frustrations take over. I was mad and mean and I put them both back in their beds and basically said scream your lungs out but don't you dare get out of those beds. I simply can't deal with not having a moment alone to do school work or anything alone for that matter.

Right now I feel completely mean and frustrated. I yelled and I yelled a lot. I hate that I have to fight with them over this but sometimes I feel as though neither one of them respect a single action I take in my parenting them....yes even Kayla at the age of two. Sigh....that's it for now, I don't want to "talk" about it anymore.